Falling Too Far
by cophinelovin
Summary: AU. Delphine is a new teacher at a school and starts falling for her fellow science teacher. Delphine angst, because really, that's my fave. Delphine POV.
1. Chapter 1

_September_

The first thing I notice is her energy. The way it moves, flows through her, the way she lights up whatever space she's in.

I know it is only the teacher's lounge but I get my first glimpse of her there. I am mesmerized by the life emanating from her. I've never seen anyone so entrancing.

When I walk in, she's sitting on a table, her feet up on a chair, hands flying wildly as she speaks. She's telling a story about her summer and she's making everyone laugh. I find a spot at the corner table and open my brown paper bag, taking out my crushed peanut butter sandwich.

"Hey," I hear a soft voice above me as I take a bite.

I look up to see her, dreadlocks piled high on her head, her long sweater hanging over tight black pants and a patterned shirt. She smiles at me and her gaze is warm and inviting.

"I'm Cosima," she speaks again as I am unable to find my words for a moment.

"Hello," I reply, "Delphine. Enchantée." I reach my hand out politely and she grasps it firmly.

"Ooo, French?" she giggles.

I smile and nod.

"You're new here, I see," she remarks.

"Oh, yeah, just started," I respond, shoving the rest of my sandwich in my mouth.

She giggles again though I'm not sure why and she is looking at me with her eyes. _Those_ eyes. There's something so endearing about them. I can't help but stare into them. I feel as though we could be instant friends even though we've only just met.

"I know," Cosima answers, "I know everyone here. Been working here for 6 years. I teach physics."

"Biology," I tell her.

"Oh, uh, yeah, I know already," she smiles, chuckling, "Sorry, I'm not like, a stalker or anything, but I may have done my research, especially since you're in my department."

I laugh at her comment. She's adorable when she babbles, I am noticing. I feel myself drawn to her but I shake my head, thinking about the fact that I've just met this woman. "That's ok. I'm very much looking forward to working with you."

She smiles and I notice her teeth that stick out when she does. "Me too. I gotta run. Seventh period. 9th graders. The worst," she laughs before grabbing my arm. "Let's hang out soon. Get to know each other."

I smile and nod, feeling my skin tingle where she touched me. I chuckle to myself after she walks away. What am I thinking? I'm acting like a teenager. She's just so inviting, so warm. The way she looks at me while she talks makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the world. I shake my head as I get up to prep for my next class.

"Ok, so I want you to read the first chapter of the textbook by Thursday, and create an outline of your notes," I tell my class as the day winds down. It's the last period of my second day and I'm already exhausted. Dealing with 10th graders is draining.

The bell rings and I begin to gather my things. I see Cosima come out of the science office next to the classroom, smiling.

"Hey! You made it through your second day!" she exclaims, staring at me through her adorable glasses. She's got that nerdy scientist thing going for her, and it _really_ does it for me. I try not to blush as she approaches me.

I chuckle before I answer, "Oh yeah, it's not my first time around. I know how to whip these kids into shape."

"Oh yeah? You'll have to teach me some of your tricks. I've got to teach seniors tomorrow and they think they're on top of the world. Never want to do anything," she laughs.

"Thought 9th graders were the worst?" I tease her.

"Oh, you know, they're all the worst," she jokes. She walks over and leans forward on the lab table. "I'm just kidding. I love my kids. They're actually the greatest. Best job in the world. I really couldn't imagine doing anything else. Well, except maybe being a cool scientist and working on some top secret stuff, like human cloning or something."

"Human cloning? I'm the bio nerd here," I joke, "I thought you were all into physics."

"Well, I am, but I've always been really into evolutionary development, all that dorky stuff," she answers.

"You're in good company then. Nerds unite!" I say, before blushing, realizing I'm embarrassing myself.

"Oh my gosh, you are a bigger nerd than me!" She punches me in the arm playfully. "You would never know it looking at you. I would've thought you were like, the French teacher or something."

"Sorry to disappoint," I reply, flirting a little, but not meaning to. _I just met this woman._

"No disappointment here," she grins, "I'm happy to work with you. It'll be nice to have another woman in this department. You know, we've just got creepy Mr. Leekie who's been here forever. He teaches chemistry. And then there's Paul Dierden. He's a nice guy. All the girls fawn all over him. I don't get the appeal, but then again, he's not really my type."

She laughs at herself and I look at her and smile. I want to reply to that comment, but it's not appropriate for this setting. And again, _I just met her_.

"I'm going to head home. I've got a lot of prep to get done before tomorrow," I tell her.

"Ok," Cosima replies, "Hey, at the end of the first week, a few of the departments are going out for drinks after work. You should come." She reaches out and grabs my shoulder.

"Mmm, ok," I answer, "Sounds fun." _She sure likes to touch me a lot._ I don't mind at all, and I smirk again.

I'm in trouble, and I know it.

"How's the new job?"

"Good, good," I tell my best friend, Krystal, through the phone, taking a sip of my coffee and packing my bag before I have to run out the door in a few minutes.

"Del, we miss you here. School is not the same without you. The kids are off the walls," she responds.

"Hence why I did not want to teach middle school anymore," I chuckle, shoving a breakfast bar into my mouth. "I miss you too, Krys."

"How are your coworkers? Not as cool as us I'm sure," she laughs.

I smile before answering, "There might be one 'cool' person." The word always sounds funny with my accent so I rarely say it.

"Oh yeah?" Krystal giggles, "Who is she?"

"What makes you think it's a she?" I remark, trying to hide the sound of a smile on my face.

"Oh Del, you sound giddy!" she notes, "You think I don't know you or something?"

I can't help but giggle. "Ok, her name is Cosima and she teaches physics. She's fun. But I'm not giddy. I'm just saying it's nice to have a good coworker here."

"Uh huh," she replies, "Is she cute?"

"Krystal!"

"What? Is she?"

"Krys, I need to go to work," I tell her, my face red with heat. At least she can't see me.

"Ok, ok, but we're gonna talk about this later," she insists, "Don't think you're going to be let off the hook that easily now that we live in different counties."

I smile and shake my head. "Bye, Krystal."

I find that I am still blushing. I've known this woman for less than a week and yet every time I think of her, my palms get sweaty and I feel a surge of nerves coursing through my body.

I need to focus, on anything but her. I grab my things and head out for the day.

The day flies by and before I know it, I'm heading out for drinks with my new coworkers. Paul kindly buys me a drink and we toast to my first week.

I meet some of the other teachers. There's Alison the choir teacher, Donnie, her husband, who teaches history, and Sarah and Helena, who both teach physical education and seem to be attached at the hip.

It's nice to make some new friends. I left a great group of coworkers back at my old school, and I miss them. As the night goes on, I find myself more and more relaxed around these new people. One by one, they all head home and I am left with Cosima at the bar.

"One more drink?" she asks me.

I think I've probably had enough, but I don't want the evening to end so I nod. I'm not sure why she's hung around with me when everyone else has left, but I certainly do not mind. I watch her as she orders two more drinks, her hands moving freely as she gets the bartender's attention, the way her mouth curls into a smile when she's talking. She is absolutely breathtaking.

 _This is terrible. I can't have such a huge crush on a fellow teacher. Especially not after only a week._

She turns back to me and hands me the drink. "Cheers," she smiles, "To your first week."

We clink our glasses and make eye contact as we both take a sip.

"Everyone seems so great here," I break the silence, "Very welcoming."

She smiles at me. "Yeah, we're pretty lucky. We've got such an awesome group of teachers. At least the ones who were here tonight," she laughs.

I notice her toothy grin as she looks at me, and my eyes flit down to her lips. The alcohol is making me lose my inhibitions. I quickly look away, telling myself to pull it together.

"You doing alright?" she asks, placing her hand on my shoulder.

"Oh, uh, yeah," I stumble, realizing that I really have had too much. My mind is fuzzy and I reach across my body to put my hand over the one that's on my shoulder. I intertwine our fingers and she quickly pulls her hand back.

"Hey, maybe I should help you get home," she offers. "Come on, let's get you a cab."

I allow her to put my arm around her shoulder as we walk out. She hails a cab on the street as I turn to her. "Hey, I'm sorry," I begin, "I'm not usually like...like this. I'm just very tired from the week, and maybe had a little too much to drink."

"Don't apologize, it's ok," she smiles at me. "You think you'll be alright getting home?"

I nod. "Thank you...and sorry again," I tell her as I get into the cab, completely mortified.

When I get home, I get sick before crawling into bed, still in my clothes. I feel silly, like a teenager who had too much to drink because they don't know how to control themselves. I pass out almost instantly.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Delphine?"

"Yes?"

"Hey, it's Cosima. I just wanted to check in on you and make sure you were ok after last night."

I sit myself up in bed, holding the phone to my ear, trying not to sound too groggy. "Oh, Cosima, yes, I...I'm ok, thank you for calling. You really didn't have to. I...I feel so silly about last night."

"Oh, don't. It's ok," she assures.

"Well, I feel like I should apologize anyway. Here I am, the new gal, and I get drunk on our first outing, and you have to help me get home," I laugh, internally screaming. "I'm sorry you had to deal with me."

"Oh my god, Delphine, seriously, don't worry about it at all," Cosima replies, "Trust me. I've been there." She lets out a giggle and I start to feel a little bit better.

"Ok, well, thank you for checking in on me. That is...very sweet," I say.

"No problem, dude! I was worried about you. Glad you're ok," she tells me, "Well, I guess I'll see you Monday. Have a great weekend, Delphine!"

"Yeah, you too," I respond, "Ciao."

"Oh...ciao!"

I hang up and flop back on the bed. She's so nice, so sweet. _Is she just being friendly?_ I groan, rolling over to go back to sleep.

Over the next few weeks, I see a lot of Cosima. We have lunch together almost every day and it quickly becomes the part of the day I look forward to most. We chat about science mostly and I love how passionate she is about it. It's incredible to watch her talk and get excited about things.

My crush is just getting deeper and deeper and I'm not sure I can handle it anymore.

We have to stay late in the lab one night, cleaning up after a program we started with a few exceptional students. I sit down on one of the lab stools.

"I am exhausted," I whine.

She laughs. "Me too. These kids are tiring. But this is so great for them. They're going to get so much out of this," she replies, "And Delphine, they look up to you so much. I can tell they really respect you."

"Yeah? You think?" I ask.

"Yes, oh man, I mean, I already know you're a great teacher. These kids are so lucky to have you," she praises.

I smile and blush. "Wow, thank you." I watch her as she puts away the equipment. I have this overwhelming urge to ask her out for dinner, but I'm so nervous. She comes over and sits on the stool right in front of me.

"All done," she sighs, looking at me and smiling.

I look into her eyes and grin. She's so cute.

"What?" she asks.

I realize I'm staring. "Oh," I giggle, "I, uh, nothing." I hope she can't see that my cheeks are red hot.

All of a sudden, her phone rings. "Oh, sorry, gotta take this, be right back."

She walks into the office and I sit, patiently waiting, my palms sweaty, trying to work up the nerve to say something, anything. Maybe we can just go to dinner as friends and see what happens. It doesn't have to be a date, I tell myself. _I just want to hang out with her._

She walks back in the room. "Hey, sorry about that. I need to run though. See you next week?"

I take a deep breath and get up. "Yeah, have a good weekend."

 _Coward!_ I can't bring myself to say anything. I don't want to ruin whatever it is we have between us. I'm pretty sure it's all in my head anyway. She's just friendly. All her little touches, that's just who she is.

 _October_

"Ok, great work today, everyone! Hope you all had fun. Don't forget to hand your worksheets to Paul on your way out," Cosima shouts.

We're at the science museum, having taken half of the junior class with us on a field trip. Cosima, Paul and I devised this plan a couple weeks ago and made an activity sheet for our students to complete while in the museum. It's the end of a long, fun day and the kids are heading home straight from the museum.

I didn't have much time to explore as I spent most of my time helping the students with their assignment. I figure I'll stay a while longer and look around. I see Cosima heading straight for me.

"Hey, you want to go see the new exhibit they have? It's all about the history of cloning. Thought you'd be into it," Cosima beams up at me.

My eyes light up. "Sure," I reply.

"Come on! This is exciting," she grins and wraps her arm around my shoulder, pulling me toward the exhibit.

She is always making contact with me and I don't know if she's conscious of it. I giggle and follow her, allowing her to take me wherever she wants to.

We walk through, examining everything closely, coming to a stop in front of the most famous clone, Dolly the Sheep. There's a short movie playing inside a small theater and I look to Cosima.

"You want to watch?" I ask her.

"Yeah!" she answers, following me inside. I sit down on one of the benches and there is no one else inside. She sits down next to me and my pulse quickens as I feel her nudge closer to me. She sits so close that her leg is touching mine. Again, I'm not sure if she's oblivious or if it's intentional. Either way, I don't mind.

We sit, staring at the screen, and I steal glances in her direction. I see her smiling, her mouth open slightly and I can see her tongue poking out between her teeth. She is the most adorable thing I've ever seen. My heart is racing.

She catches my eye at one moment and she smiles at me before I look away. It's a short moment, but I can't help but wonder if she's thinking what I'm thinking. I want to say something but I hold myself back. This relationship, this friendship is special, I can feel it, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.

The movie ends and my mind snaps back to reality as she jumps up, excited to continue. I look up at her and take a deep breath as her face glistens in the light.

"You ready?" she asks.

I nod and she grabs my hand. "Come on! So many more adventures to go on."

 _I am sure of that._


	2. Chapter 2

_December_

I can't believe the Christmas holiday season is here already. I feel as though I just started at this school and yet it's already been almost 4 months.

Cosima and I have gotten close...very close. We spend almost every day together, at lunch, and after school. She's even come over a few times to work on the after school program we are running together. My crush has morphed into something that I am quickly losing control of. I haven't said anything yet, because I am so afraid of losing what we have, but the holiday spirit is making me give in to my urges. I want so badly to just take her out, on a date, on a real date.

I decide I'm going to ask her, before I head home to France for the holidays. I just have to do it.

I find her after school, in her office, grading papers. She beams at me when she sees me, her eyes looking at me with such admiration, it makes my entire body melt.

"Hey, you!" she exclaims.

"Hi," I answer, trying not to seem nervous, as I lean on the door frame.

"What's up? You heading out?" she asks.

"Yeah, soon," I reply. _Just do it._ "Hey, Cosima?"

"Hmm?"

"Um," I begin, my heart all of a sudden pounding out of my chest. "I was wondering...um...if maybe you want to go to dinner this weekend? With me? Before I leave for the holidays?"

Her smile fades and I feel like I've made a huge mistake. "Oh, are you asking me, like, on a date?" she asks.

"Oh, um..." I answer, hearing her tone of voice and knowing that this was a total mistake. "No, I mean, yes, I was...but I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," I mutter, completely mortified.

"No, no, please, I'm not...it's just...well, Delphine," she starts, "I'm actually in a relationship."

I look at her with wide eyes, not hiding my shock well. "Wait, you never mentioned…"

She looks down at the papers on her desk. "I know. I'm sorry I never told you."

"Ok, I'm just gonna go." I need to get out of there. I feel like I'm going to cry from embarrassment. _Great, now I've really ruined everything._

She gets up from her chair as I turn to leave and grabs my arm. "Hey, wait, can we talk? I'm sorry." She's looking at me with those pleading eyes, and I swallow.

"What is there to talk about?" I ask, beginning to get angry. How could she not have told me about this? We've spent months together, and I could've been reading the signs wrong, but I could've sworn she had been flirting with me.

"Look, I'm sorry...I guess I just...I didn't tell you because...I'm not sure why," she replies.

"What kind of answer is that? I have to go," I tell her and pull my arm away, storming out.

She doesn't follow and I make it out to my car before I begin to sob. I feel like a total fool.

I wake up to my phone buzzing on my nightstand. I groan, reaching out for it without looking. It's a text from Cosima.

 _Hey, just wanted to see if we could talk today._

I reread the message. I'm not sure if I want to talk. I leave in 3 days for France for the holidays and I should probably just leave it alone, let my distance from her help me get over here. I don't answer right away and a few minutes later, my phone buzzes again.

 _I don't want to leave things the way we did. I want to apologize. Please?_

I sigh and text back.

 _Ok._

I wait for her response. I'm still angry and I don't know what I'll even say to her. It doesn't matter. She's in a relationship. I don't even know what she is going to say to me to make anything different. I look down at my phone as I see another message pop up.

 _Can I stop by your apartment? I have to run some errands and I'll be in the neighborhood._

I answer right away.

 _Sure._

She responds.

 _Great, I'll be there in an hour._

Shit. I have to get up and get ready. I slept in way too late. It's almost noon already. I jump out of bed and into the shower, nervously anticipating her visit. What do I even think is going to happen? _She's in a relationship._ I keep reminding myself of that.

A little over an hour later, I hear a knock at my door. I open it and instead of her usual beaming self, Cosima looks nervous. "H...hey," she stutters.

"Hi, please come in," I tell her, moving out of the way. I close the door and lead her into the living room, motioning for her to sit on my couch. "You want something to drink or anything?"

She shakes her head. "No thanks. Will you sit?"

I nod and sit next to her on the couch, keeping an appropriate distance between us. I still feel mortified and I can't believe I'm actually sitting here with her in front of me when all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hide.

"Hey, so, I seriously want to apologize for not telling you about my girlfriend, Shay. That's her name," she tells me.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask, confused as to why she would keep something like that from me.

"I...um...I honestly feel like it never came up," she answers.

I scoff unintentionally before taking a deep breath. "I feel like you were keeping this from me on purpose."

"What? Why would I do that?" Cosima asks, folding her arms across her stomach.

"Well, I don't know," I spit, "I thought you'd be able to tell me that." I don't know why I'm getting so mad, but maybe it's because I feel so hurt. This crush has been weighing on me for months and I really thought it was mutual, but obviously I read all the signals wrong.

Cosima looks away for a moment, and when she looks back at me, her eyes are blurry with tears. I immediately soften, not wanting her to be upset. "Hey," I reach out to touch her arm. "Are you ok? Sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice. I'm just...I'm just embarrassed and a little hurt."

Her lower lip starts to tremble and I stare at her, confused. Finally she speaks. "Delphine, I'm sorry. I do know why I didn't tell you. But it's for a completely unfair reason."

"What, then? Just tell me," I plead.

"Honestly, I've been enjoying the time I spend with you so much. And...I felt like if I didn't tell you, I could keep living in this world where we could just be the two of us...without all the other complicated stuff," she explains.

"I'm not sure I understand," I respond, urging her to continue.

"Delphine, you are amazing. And if I wasn't with my girlfriend, I would go out with you in a second," she admits, "I thought...I thought that if I didn't tell you about Shay, it would be ok for me to...flirt with you...just a little." She looks down at her hands, fumbling with the rings on her fingers. "And wow, that is totally unfair to you."

I look at her, unable to speak, a million thoughts running through my mind. She _has_ been flirting with me. Why has she been flirting with me? Did she just say she would go out with me if she didn't have a girlfriend? Does she like me? What am I supposed to do now?

"I've just been with Shay for over three years, and I feel like that's something good," she continues. "So I am really sorry. Maybe if we had met at another time, things would be different." She looks up at me. "Will you say something?"

"Cosima, what do you want me to say?" I ask, holding in my own heartache.

"Do you forgive me? Can we still be friends? I really don't want to lose you as a friend. I love hanging out with you," she confesses.

I take a deep breath, shoving all my emotions down into my chest, locking them away so I can keep a brave front. "I just need some time. But I don't want to lose you as a friend either. So, I'll go away for the holidays and then we'll take it from there, ok?"

She nods and gives me a half grin. "Seriously, I'm so sorry about all this." She stands up and I do the same. I look into her eyes for a moment but I have to turn away before I start to get too emotional.

I walk her to the door and we say our polite goodbyes. I let out a deep breath as I close the door, not allowing my tears to fall. I have to be strong and forget my feelings for her. _Just friends, Delphine, just friends._

 _January_

When I come back from the holidays, I jump right back into the swing of things at school. It's a busy time as we are preparing the students for midterms and I avoid Cosima as much as possible. I'm not sure if I'm ready to face her, and it seems like she's giving me my space as well.

Krystal comes to visit me the weekend after I come back as her school has an extended vacation. It's nice to hang with my best friend again. We spend most of the weekend hanging in my apartment, and I am content to do nothing but that.

I try to avoid the topic of Cosima, but of course my blonde haired friend brings it up.

"So, have you seen her yet, since you've been back?" she asks me.

"I mean, I've seen her around. We work together, Krystal. But I haven't spoken to her, no, if that's what you mean," I answer.

"Del, you've gotta push past this. She has a girlfriend and she made it clear that nothing is going to happen there, so I hate to say it, but there are other women out there. You just have to put yourself out there and you'll forget about her," she reasons.

I sigh. "I know. It's just...well, it's a couple things. One is that I feel so connected to her. We have so much in common and we have such a good time...my gosh...a great time when we hang out, and I feel like there's something there. Something special. And two, she practically said she was interested in me, and if she didn't have a girlfriend, she would have said yes to the date."

"But that's the problem," Krystal butts in, "She has a girlfriend."

"Yeah, but…" I start.

"No buts. That's it. If she's with someone and it's exclusive, and that's the way she wants it to be, you have to let it go."

I pull my legs up to my chest as I sit on the couch. "I know," I say quietly. My body aches. My chest aches. My heart aches. I've gotten in too deep and it's bad.

"I'm so sorry, Del, really, I am. But you deserve someone who wants you back. You're such a wonderful person. You'll find someone else," she tells me.

I nod, but all I can think about is her beautiful smile and the way she looks at me when she talks. I decide then and there that even if I can't have her, I still need to have her in my life, so I will grin and bear it, attempt to be _just friends_.

As soon as I go to school on Monday, I walk right up to Cosima and greet her. When she realizes how friendly I'm being, she flashes me her toothy smile and I can't help but melt.

"Hey!"

"Bonjour, Cosima," I state.

"How was your holiday?" she asks.

"It was pretty good. Spent a little too much time with the parents though," I joke, trying to keep the conversation light.

"Well, I'm really glad you're back," she beams, "Lunch today?"

I sigh and nod. _Here we go. Back to this again._


	3. Chapter 3

_March_

"You going to Cosima's party?" Paul asks me as I am packing up my things for the day.

"Oh, um, yeah, I think so. Everyone's going, right?"

"Yeah, like all the teachers go. It's a yearly tradition. Cosima always throws the best spring break parties. She's got an awesome outdoor space. It can get pretty crazy," he tells me.

I chuckle. "Ok, well I'll definitely be there then."

"Sweet," he says as he leaves.

I think about this upcoming party. I know I shouldn't be nervous but I am. It's the first time I'll meet Shay. I mean, the party is at Cosima's house after all. She's going to be there.

The past few months have been somewhat torturous for me. I've tried to listen to what Krystal told me. I even tried online dating, going on a few dates here and there. They all turned out to be horrible, including one woman who insisted on high-fiving me every time she thought we had a connection.

Even if I had connected with any of those people, my mind was always wandering back to Cosima. I found myself comparing everyone to her. They were never as smart as her, never as cute as her, never as charming or interesting.

I went back to spending all my time with Cosima at work, eating lunches every day, working together after school. Even though it is so difficult for me to be near her, I find myself drawn to her and can't bear to be away from her for that long. I'm glad I haven't met Shay yet. It keeps up the fantasy in my head. The fantasy that maybe one day, she'll tell me she doesn't really have a girlfriend. I laugh at myself when I think that.

Tomorrow night, though, that's when I'll meet her. That's when she'll be real.

I show up at the party and it's already in full progress. Paul answers the door and shows me in, through the packed house. It reminds me of a college frat party and I giggle as I see some of the teachers gathered around a table playing beer pong.

"So, this is the house, obviously," Paul tells me, "And the back porch is this way, with the huge backyard."

"Thanks, Paul," I reply. Sometimes I think he has a crush on me, which is kind of cute. He has no idea that I couldn't care less about men. I walk away from him to check out the porch.

As soon as I walk out, I hear, "Delphine!"

I look up and there she is. She looks stunning in a cute red dress, her dreads down and flopping around, unlike her usual bun that she wears to work. My heart skips a beat as she waves me over.

"Hey! Here, have a drink." She hands me a cocktail that's pink with a little umbrella in it.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Delicious!" she giggles, and I can't help but laugh with her and take a sip.

"Hey babe, we're running low on ice. I'm going to grab some," a short, blonde haired woman says to Cosima as she walks up. _It's her. It must be her._

"Thanks," Cosima replies. "Hey, I want you to meet Delphine. Delphine, this is my partner, Shay," she introduces.

 _She's so...small._ I swallow, finding my words. "Hello, nice to meet you."

"Oh, Delphine? I've heard so much about you. This one is always talking about the great work you're doing together," Shay asserts.

 _She talks about me to her girlfriend?_ "Oh, um...yes, we work on a lot of projects together," I respond.

"Well, I'm off to grab more ice. So great to meet you."

 _She seems nice._ I was really hoping she was this mean monster who I could secretly hate, but she's not like that at all.

I end up spending most of the night hanging with Sarah, Alison, and Donnie. Cosima seems busy playing hostess and I don't really want to hang out with her girlfriend around anyway. I end up having a few too many of those delicious pink cocktails and somehow find myself in the middle of the impromptu dance party that is happening in the backyard.

The speakers are blasting some pop tune that I don't recognize and I move in a haze, trying not to notice that Cosima and Shay are grinding against each other a few feet away from me. I am definitely feeling drunk and I can tell already that it's not the good kind of drunk. I feel myself getting upset as I watch them, my jealousy bubbling up, even though rationally, I have no right to be envious. I catch Cosima's eye as I stop dancing and swallow hard before making a beeline for the house. I just need to get out of there. I stumble through the house and onto the front porch, where luckily, I can be alone.

I slump down on front steps and lean against the side of the porch. My world is spinning and I know I've definitely had too much to drink. I feel my sadness begin to overtake me as the alcohol heightens my emotions, and I just feel stupid.

Suddenly, I hear a familiar voice behind me. "Del?"

I don't turn around as I wipe my tears away, definitely not wanting her to see that I was about to start crying.

"You ok?" she asks, as she sits down next to me. "I saw you run out and I got worried."

"Why are you worried about me, Cosima? I'm an adult. I can take care of myself," I tell her.

"Because you're my friend. And you seemed upset. Am I not allowed to care about you?" she asks.

"Sorry, I just may have had too much to drink tonight."

"It's ok. You're just having fun," she tells me.

I laugh. "Yeah, fun...well, I'm having fun now...now that you're here with me." I am feeling extremely loose and can't help myself from flirting. I reach out and touch her hand.

"Del…"

"What? I'm just having a little fun with you, Cosima," I smile.

"Maybe I should call you a cab," she responds.

"Nooo," I whine, grasping her hand tighter and setting my head on her shoulder. "I want to stay here with you."

I feel her sigh and put her arm around me, rubbing my shoulder with her hand. "Oh, Del, you _have_ had too much."

"Maybe," I answer. I'm so close to her and she smells so good. I lift my head up slowly and realize my mouth is inches away from hers. It's only space. A small amount of space separates us. Before I know it, I'm closing that space as I crash my lips into hers. I grab at the back of her head with my hand and pull her into me. _I'm kissing her. And she's kissing me._

Wait, no, she's not. She immediately shoves me back. "Delphine, what are you doing?"

"I...um...I'm sorry," I stumble. "I just...I don't know...I wanted to...I'm sorry...I've been wanting to do that for months…" The words just keep tumbling out of my mouth and I look into her eyes with a fierceness that I didn't know I possessed. "I...want you."

She looks back at me and swallows. Before I know it, her lips are back on mine. She is kissing me this time. I know she is. My lips part and I whimper into her mouth, feeling the tension of months and months releasing onto her soft lips. I can feel her tongue mingling with mine and she tastes better than I had imagined. Her hands are on the sides of my head, pulling me closer to her and I feel like I could stay there forever.

Then, she's gone. She stops. She gets up. She looks at me, shaking her head. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." That's all she says before she turns around and goes inside.

My heart is pounding out of my chest and it aches. It aches worse than before.

I have to get out of there. I stumble toward the street and hail a cab. I barely make it back to my apartment before I break down on the floor and sob, with the sweet taste of her still on my tongue.

We avoid each other for the next week. Well, as much as we can. We still work together, after all. I can't look her in the eye when we are around each other. It's too painful. We haven't talked about what happened. I'm too hurt and she's too...I don't know. I know I was drunk and I shouldn't have, but I know it wasn't some drunken kiss. I know I've wanted it for so long. She's all I want, all I think about it.

I finally can't take it anymore and I corner her in her office after work on Friday. I have to get some answers. _She kissed me back._ I need to know why.

"Cosima?"

She looks up from her desk, startled from my presence. "Oh, hey, Delphine," she mutters.

"Cosima, we need to talk," I tell her.

"Not here, not now," she replies, not looking me in the eye as she gets up to leave.

I block the door with my body. "Yes, now. We need to talk now. I...I can't stop thinking about that kiss," I admit.

She sighs, still looking down at the ground.

"You've been avoiding me and you can't just pretend that what happened didn't happen," I continue.

She looks up at me. "Yes, I can."

I can already feel my tears starting to flood my eyes and as I open my mouth to speak, she continues.

"It was a mistake."

I feel a painful jolt run through my chest at her words. "H...how could you say that? I felt it...we have a connection...I know we do. And don't you dare tell me you didn't feel it too."

Cosima looks me in the eye and shakes her head. "No. I was drunk. It can't happen again."

"Cosima…" I grab her arm as she moves to leave again.

"Delphine, don't make this harder than it is!" she yells at me, and I am taken aback by the strength of her voice.

I look at her with wide, blurry eyes.

"I think we shouldn't hang out for a little while. It's for the best. I've already asked Paul if he would take over my duties in the after school program," she tells me.

The pain in my chest is worsening and I am wondering if this is how I die, if my heart will just shrivel up and I will no longer exist. "But...why...Cosima…please don't do this…" I beg.

"I have to."

She pushes past me and leaves me there, alone, left again, to deal and shove my feelings back down like they never existed in the first place.


	4. Chapter 4

_June_

"Delphine! Hey, wait up."

I turn around as I walk to my car to see Paul running toward me with a notebook in his hands.

"You forgot this," he says, catching his breath.

"Oh, thank you," I answer, turning to get into my car.

"Oh hey, Delphine, would you want to grab coffee sometime, like outside of work?" he asks.

I look at him and notice he is nervous. He's asking me out. I'm so distracted I almost miss it. It's not like I've never been asked out by a man before. It happens quite frequently. I know I can't lead him on. It wouldn't be fair.

"Oh, um, Paul? I...uh...I don't date men."

He looks at me for a moment before realizing what I've said. "Oh...ohhh…ok, no problem." He shuffles awkwardly with his hands in his pockets. "Uh, well, I guess I'll see you this weekend for the end of the year party, yeah?"

"Definitely, Paul." I flash my nicest smile. He's a sweet guy. I've gotten to know him over the past few months, working with the kids after school. It just hasn't been the same. Nothing has been the same since Cosima and I stopped talking.

I get in the car and start to head home.

She meant it when she said we shouldn't hang out. We've barely said more than a few pleasantries to each other in the last few months. Every time I see her in the halls, in the classroom, my chest strains and I feel a terrible pressure in my heart. It's so hard.

I've noticed a change in her too. She doesn't seem as carefree and full of life as she was before. It makes me sad to see. I want to talk to her about it but I can't. Not after everything.

I know I'll see her at the party this weekend. The principal is having us all over to her apartment. I'm excited for this school year to be over. Then at least I won't have the daily torturous reminder of how much I want her. She doesn't seem happy anymore. And I wish she was. She deserves all the happiness in the world. She lights up everyone's life. She lights up mine.

I wonder if this pain will ever cease.

"Delphine. It's been so nice having you on faculty this year," Mr. Leekie says to me as I grab a glass of wine.

"Yes, thank you. It's been quite a year," I reply, taking a sip. He creeps me out a little and I look around the room for any excuse to get away.

It's then that I see her come in, with Shay on her arm. I sigh, taking a gulp of the wine I'm holding. She looks incredible, of course, and I feel my sadness and frustration heighten as they walk inside together.

Shay greets me first as she comes over to grab a drink. "Delphine! Hey!" she beams.

I mumble a response, flashing a fake smile, trying to grin through the pain. Cosima is close behind her and gives a small "Hey."

"Cosima!" I hear Paul yell from across the room. "I just heard! Congratulations!" He walks toward her and gives her a hug.

I look at them, a confused look on my face. "Didn't you hear?" he says to me, "Cosima and Shay got engaged. Isn't that wonderful?"

My smile fades and I feel sick all of a sudden. I realize everyone is staring at me so I snap back to reality and somehow find words. "That is...wonderful."

"Let's toast to the happy couple!" Paul shouts.

I see Cosima out of the corner of my eye and I can tell she is completely avoiding my gaze. I need to get out of there. I feel like I am going to panic at any moment. I need air. I slip away when everyone is clinking their glasses, running out the door and climbing up one more flight of stairs to the roof. I burst through the door as my chest heaves, trying to catch my breath.

I stare out at the city, the lights, the buildings. The view would be incredible if I could see it, if I was able to see anything but her face in front of me. I am looking out when a voice startles me.

"Delphine? What are you doing up here? I saw you run out."

As I turn and stare at her on that roof, right in front of me, I feel as though my body will collapse and shrivel if I can't touch her. There's a hole in my heart that I'm pretty sure can only be filled by her and that emptiness is killing me as long as I can't have her.

I think about our life together. I know it's stupid to think about and I'm only torturing myself, but I can't help it. I think about sharing an apartment. I think about waking up early to make her breakfast as she sleeps peacefully. I think about curling up and reading a book on the couch while I wait for her to get up and when she finally does, she comes in and looks at me with those eyes. Those eyes that radiate pure love through them, love for me and me alone. I think about getting up then and embracing her, kissing her, whispering to her that I'll never let her go, that she's safe with me, that I love her more than anything. This is my fantasy.

The ache inside my body is pushing me forward toward her, my tears threatening to consume me. She can see my distress, but I'm not sure she understands.

"Delphine? Whoa, you ok?" she asks.

I don't speak right away. I just walk to her, stopping a foot in front of her. I don't look at her because if I do, I will lose it for sure. The thumping in my chest is so loud I'm certain she can hear it. The anxiety fills my stomach, churning and bubbling, making me feel like I'll be sick at any moment. I am sweating. It's not a pretty sight.

I finally get the courage to speak. "Like you care? You barely even look at me anymore, let alone talk to me," I choke.

"Delphine, I...I am sorry. This is hard for me too, you know," she tells me.

I scoff. "Hard? You have no idea. You're fucking engaged! And you don't even seem happy!"

"You don't have the right to tell me if I'm happy or not!" she replies, angrily.

"Why don't I? I care about you! We used to be friends," I spit.

"What do you want from me?" she asks with a harshness behind the words.

It's now or never. It's time to put my heart completely out there. I can't live like this anymore.

Looking down at the ground, I mutter, "Cosima, leave her. Be with me."

"Wh...what?" she stammers.

I look up to meet her eyes and I can feel my tears start to flow over, my lower lip trembling. I take her hands in mine, forcefully. "I know you feel it. Our connection. I've never felt so connected to someone in my life. I never thought I could feel this. Please, look me in the eye and tell me you don't feel it too."

Her eyes are fearful, torn, concerned. I'm not really sure what I see in them. All I know is I need her to say something.

"I…" she begins, and I can see her internal struggle. I know she feels it. I _know_ it. She's going to tell me what I want to hear. I know she will.

"I can't."

My heart stops beating for a moment as I feel the nausea creeping up. "What?" I choke.

"I just...can't. I'm sorry, Delphine. You need to stop this...you need to let me go," she tells me. She lets go of my hands and before I know it, she's gone.

I sink to the ground, my emotions spilling out of me violently. I curl up in a ball on the ground, shaking. This isn't how it is supposed to go. No, I bare my soul to her, and she wants me too. She tells me she feels the same, she comforts me, she holds me. I've played it a million times in my head. This isn't how it ends.

No, this is all wrong.

 _August_

The summer is a blur. I don't see her at all. But I miss her. I miss her so much.

It's like my brain is just torturing me. Replaying all of the memories of her until I go insane. I can't stop thinking about her smile. Her toothy grin, her dimples, the way her eyes light up when she sees me. Her vibrancy, the life that emanates from her.

I'm trying to move on, but these visions of her don't let me. I see her everywhere, in my dreams, in my thoughts. I'm starting to think I'm bordering on obsessive, but I can't help the love I feel for her in the pit of my soul. I have a hard time letting go because I could've sworn she felt it too. A connection that deep cannot be one-sided.

I cry almost every night. It's pathetic. My tears have become a ritual. Every night, in my bed, I'm swallowed by my emotions, soaking my pillow, unable to breathe. I know I need to get myself out of this pattern, but I have no idea how. This hurts worse than any breakup I've endured. And we were never even together. It's deep, seeded within me like a disease for which there is no cure.

I try to occupy my time with friends. I visit Krystal for a week, see all my old coworkers, and it's nice. I just can't seem to shake these feelings off, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do.

The new school year is approaching and I'm terrified of what will happen when I see her again.


	5. Chapter 5

_September_

I walk through the halls on the first day, amongst the bustling excitement of going back to school, all the students buzzing with the newness of the year. When I get into the office, I see Paul and he greets me, giving me a hug. I am genuinely happy to see him.

I somehow make it through the day without running into Cosima. I don't know how I do it. I walk into the office after my final class and sit down at my desk, organizing my files and making sure everything is set for the new year.

I sigh, sitting back. It does feel good to be in the classroom again. It will help keep my mind focused.

I see a small form enter the office in my peripheral vision and I don't even have to look to know that it's her. I knew I'd have to see her eventually.

I turn as she walks in and give her a nod. "Hello, Cosima," I say, politely.

Surprisingly, her eyes light up when she sees me and she smiles. "Hey, Delphine," she replies.

I should ask her how her summer was but I can't bring myself to do it because I don't want to know the answer. I know how her summer was. She spent it with Shay, living in their newly engaged bliss.

"Did you have a good summer?" she asks me before I can say anything.

I want to laugh at that question, but I don't. _Keep it professional._ "Yes, it was good to have a break," I answer, staying as neutral as possible.

"Yeah, totally," she states. She looks at me as if she's expecting me to say something else. I see a tinge of sadness in her eye as she stares at me.

"How have you been?" I finally inquire. I do care about how she is. I still want her to be happy.

"Oh, um, ok, I guess," she mutters, "I, uh, went through some kind of big changes this summer, so it's been a little rough."

I look up at her, concerned. She seems upset all of a sudden, the vibrant life drained from her face. "Oh? Everything ok?"

She takes a deep breath and looks at me. "Delphine, it's really nice to see you again," she admits.

"Cosima...I…" I stutter. "I'm embarrassed about the way I handled myself the last time I saw you...it was completely uncalled for. I hope we can just continue our professional relationship." I strain to get the words out, but I know I have to.

"I broke it off with Shay," she blurts out.

My breath hitches. I was not expecting that at all. "Oh," is all I can say.

"Yeah, I realized I wasn't happy. And I wasn't being fair to myself. So I did it," she explains.

I nod, unable to find any words, my heart pounding so hard in my chest.

"I moved out. It was kind of messy," she continues. "So...yeah…a bit of a rough summer."

"Sorry to hear that," I answer. I am starting to feel my want creep back in, my want to take care of her, my want to comfort her, so before I say anything stupid, I get up to leave. "Well, I'm going to head home. I've got to get things ready for tomorrow."

"Oh, yeah, ok, of course," she responds, moving out of the way. "I'll, uh, see you tomorrow."

I give a firm nod and jet out the door. My mind is reeling. She broke it off with Shay? Why did she do that? She wasn't happy. Why wasn't she happy? All I want to do is make her happy. All I want is for us to be able to talk again, to be close again. I miss it so much.

The week finishes and the other teachers are going out for their traditional first week drinks. I'm not sure I feel up for it so I head home instead, promising them that I'll go next time. Cosima and I haven't spoken much since Monday. We've both been so busy. It might be for the best. Focus on the work.

I settle in at home with a glass of wine, trying to relax when I hear a knock on the door.

I get up and open the door. Cosima is standing there, looking extremely nervous. I look at her and furrow my brow. "Cosima? What are you doing here? You ok?"

"Hey," she speaks, "Um, can I come in? Can we talk?" She's playing with the end of her scarf, rolling it between her fingers and she isn't quite looking me in the eye.

"Oh, uh, yeah, of course, please," I answer, moving out of the way as she shuffles past me.

She doesn't sit but instead paces the floor in the living room, looking down at the ground.

"Cosima, what's wrong?"

When she looks up at me, I see she has tears in her eyes.

"Cosima?" I move closer to her, a concerned look on my face.

"Um...Delphine? I, uh, wasn't completely honest with you...about Shay. About why I broke it off with Shay."

I can see that her lower lip is trembling now and her hands are shaking. I reach out to grab them slowly, hoping that the contact is ok. She grips my hands immediately. "Ok," I answer, "Why, then?"

She looks into my eyes and I can see something in them...fear, sadness, hope?

"You can't marry someone when you're in love with someone else."

I swallow hard, my own tears rushing immediately to my eyes. "Cosima…" I whisper.

She brings her hand up to my face and cups my cheek. I gasp at the contact.

"Delphine, I...I am so sorry...for everything," she soothes. "Can you...can you forgive me? Can you give me a chance?" Her eyes are pleading now.

I can feel my heart beating throughout my entire body. I bring my hands to her face, letting my body do the talking as I pull her lips to mine. I move gently against her, my mouth opening slightly to breathe her in. She moves her hands to the back of my head, her fingers tangled into my hair, and I can feel her grip tighten. She lets out a whimper and I almost can't stand anymore.

I can tell she's crying and I pull myself back, letting my forehead lean on hers. I bring my thumbs up to wipe the moisture from her cheeks.

"I...I was so mean," she mumbles, "I was so unfair, to you, Delphine."

I shake my head. "It's ok, I...I shouldn't have put you in that position. I mean...you were with someone else, and I didn't respect that," I sigh, "I just...I couldn't fight my feelings for you."

"Does that mean you forgive me?" she whispers, her eyes searching my face, looking for an answer.

"Cosima," I respond, gripping her face in my hands, "I want to make you happy. I want you. I've wanted you for so long. And if you want me too, I want to put all of it behind us." I smile through the tears that are now flowing down my own cheeks.

"I...I was really hoping you'd say that," she replies, wrapping her arms around my waist and pulling my hips toward her. "I just want to make it all up to you. You are so wonderful, so beautiful," she tells me, pressing the length of her body into mine.

I swear my heart is about to explode out of my chest. "I love you," I tell her and she beams the widest smile I've ever seen on her beautiful face.

I pull her as tight as I can to me, lowering my head and kissing her deeply. I let my tongue explore her mouth and she happily accepts it. I can feel her breath quickening and the way her body moves into mine makes me weak.

She kisses my face, down my jaw, and onto my neck and I moan into her touch. "Delphine," she whispers, "I...I want to feel you...do you want…"

I nod, grabbing her hand and dragging her to my bedroom. I've wanted this for so long. I've wanted to fully love her, to show my love for her. We stand in front of each other and I reach out, pulling her shirt over her head. She removes mine and I step forward, placing my hands on her bare torso. I feel her body shudder under my touch.

"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," I coo as I run my fingers around to her back, kissing her neck and moving down to her collarbone. I close my eyes, letting myself feel her soft skin with my lips, a shaky breath leaving my body as it hits me that I'm actually able to touch the woman I love.

She pulls me up, placing her hand under my chin. "You...you are amazing," she whispers.

I take her hand and bring it to my mouth, kissing the pads of her fingers softly.

She walks me backwards and I sit as my legs hit the edge of the bed. She reaches around me to unhook my bra and does the same to her own before she climbs on top of me, straddling my waist. She presses her chest into mine and I groan into the shivers I feel. She lays gentle kisses just below my ear and I bite my lip, closing my eyes.

I grab her around the waist and flip her over onto the bed. She looks up at me and I still see a glint of tears in her eyes. "Is this ok?" I ask, making sure she really wants this, that it's not just some fantasy I've made up in my head.

She smiles up at me. "Yes," she answers, "Delphine, I've wanted this. I've wanted you...for so long." She wraps her fingers around the back of my neck as I hover over her.

"You took the words right out of my mouth," I grin, pressing my mouth to her chest, kissing her hungrily. She's so smooth, so soft, so intoxicating. She pushes her chest up into me and I oblige her, taking her breast into my mouth as she lets out a moan. It's the sweetest sound I've ever heard. I kiss down her flat stomach and can feel her hips moving in rhythm already.

I move to unbutton her jeans, looking up at her, asking for permission with my eyes. She bites her lip and nods. I slide her pants down her legs, removing mine quickly, wanting to feel her gorgeous body on mine. I climb back on top of her and lay my body on hers, pressing my thigh between her legs, and kissing her passionately.

She grinds her hips slowly against my leg and I can feel how much she wants me. I know it's real. I am getting hotter as I move in sync with her, our bodies moving as one, finally able to express our desire for one another.

"Delphine," she whispers, gripping at my back, and I hear the desperation in her voice.

I move my hand down, removing her underwear and coming back to her as I slide my finger over her, feeling as she shudders underneath me. I am amazed at her want for me and I don't waste any more time. I slide into her and she groans, opening herself up to me.

I look into her eyes as I move within her. My love radiates through every touch and every small whimper she makes fuels my desire. She is writhing underneath me and I can feel her body moving closer to the edge. I kiss her as she quakes, and she pants and moans into my mouth, grasping me tightly. She lets out a last sigh as her body relaxes. She grabs me tightly to her chest, breathing heavily and kissing my head repeatedly.

I smile into her skin and kiss her chest where my lips lay. As her breathing slows, I look up at her, bringing my hand to her cheek. She looks at me with such adoration, I close my eyes, unable to handle the emotions I feel when she looks at me like that.

"Hey," she whispers, "Look at me."

I open my eyes again, taking a deep breath.

"Are you ok, baby?"

 _Oh, god._ When she calls me baby, I feel a shiver rush through me and I bite my lip with desire, staring at her and nodding.

She smiles at me and pulls me closer, kissing me again. She begins slowly, grazing my lips with hers before deepening the kiss, causing me to lose myself completely. She rolls us over so she's on top, kissing me all over. Her hands are everywhere. Her mouth is everywhere.

I pull my underwear off, anticipating her touch. She sees my desire and doesn't keep me waiting. The moment she pushes into me, I lose all control. I allow her to take everything I am; every cell in my body is hers. My body ebbs and flows with pleasure, the most love I've ever felt in my life, and when she puts her mouth on me for the briefest of moments, I unravel in her arms, my heart thumping to the rhythm of her fingers. I can barely see as my tears flow down my cheeks and she collapses on top of me, burying her face in my neck and whispering her love for me over and over.

This is better than my fantasy, better than I ever could have imagined it. I can barely believe she's here, that she's mine. I grip her tightly to me, not wanting to let go, wanting this feeling to last forever.

As my heartbeat and tears slow, she lifts her head, looking into my eyes, stroking my head. She doesn't say anything. She lets her eyes do the talking. I part my lips and she moves in to kiss me sweetly. She envelops me, unwavering in her motions, until I grab her face, kissing each cheek, kissing down her jawline, feeling every inch of her skin.

She lays her head back down on my chest and we breathe together. My tension is gone. My worry is gone. My heartache is gone. For the first time in months, the familiar ache in my chest is finally gone.

I feel for the first time that maybe everything I've hoped for could finally come true.


End file.
